Remember approximately 100 years ago when people were hoarding toilet paper, and many of us thought that we’d have the pandemic under control by summer? Sigh. While toilet paper is easier to find now, there’s actually a pretty compelling case for ditching it in favor of bidets—even if you’re out and about. (Following safety guidelines, of course.) Also known as mobile toilet showers and traveling butt showers, portable bidets are bidets you can take on the go.
From a butt health perspective, toilet paper typically doesn’t get you as clean as a bidet—and that can lead to things like hemorrhoids and a condition called itchy anus (no thanks). And environmentally speaking, toilet paper is not sustainable. Nearly 15 million trees a year get cut down to make toilet paper, and about 30,000 trees get flushed per day. Normalize spritzing your butt clean with water. I sorted through the portable bidets—and all of the bathroom puns and poop-lingo used to market them—to find the best ones.
The best portable bidets you can take with you wherever you go
1. Tushy Travel Bidet, $29
Tushy bidets are reasonably priced and aesthetically pleasing (you know, for a thing that’s purpose is to spray bits off your butt). Their travel bidet is collapsible, and doesn’t require any batteries. As one reviewer put it, “This bad boy is treating me right.”
Shop now: Tushy Travel Bidet, $29
2. Toto Travel Handy Washlet, $70
“Dorothy couldn’t live without her Toto and neither can I,” one reviewer writes. Poetry. I don’t think there’s anything else to add here other than you can either have it cleanse you with a steady stream or manually pulse it.
Shop now: Toto Travel Handy Washlet, $70
3. Wonderspray, $79
My ex-boyfriend’s parent’s house used to have the fanciest toilet I’ve ever seen. (The seat heated up!) Of course there were several bidet options. This portable bidet, currently on Kickstarter, feels like the portable version of that toilet. It’s got a minimalist design, antibacterial nozzle, and four pressure settings.
Shop Now: Wonderspray, $79
4. Sonny, $99
For some reason this portable bidet, currently being crowdfunded on IndieGoGo, reminds me of the cone robot from the horny quarantine classic Too Hot To Handle. Like I half expect it to start offering me passive aggressive advice. It doesn’t do that, but it does hold a charge for three weeks, and offers regular and high pressure settings.
Shop now: Sonny, $99
5. HappyPo Easy Bidet, $22
There are some delightfully strange marketing images for this bidet, like an image featuring a cheese grater, roll of toilet paper, and a peach with some dried fruit against a pastel background to convey that toilet paper is rough on your butt (I assume). This squeeze-bottle portable bidet comes in three colors: white, light green, and teal.
Shop now: HappyPo Easy Bidet, $22
6. Peri Bottle, $16
This is not the prettiest of the bunch, but it is a battery-free option that doesn’t require you to squeeze (you simply press a button), and it has an angled nozzle.
Shop now: Peri Bottle, $16
7. Happy Bottom Washer, $17
This under-$20 squeezable handheld bidet has an angled nozzle that’s also retractable so as to be travel-friendly. Perfect to use when you’re all wiped out. *exaggerated wink* (And I tried so hard not to use a bad pun.)
Shop now: Happy Bottom Washer, $17